Saturday, January 29, 2011
Want to let my readers know...
I am also posting a blog on Salon.com. http://www.open.salon.com/ If you would like to see what else I might be writing about. On Salon I am a little more free-styling. I want to stay with the subjects on this blog and hopefully reach an audience and a dialog that is freeing and stimulating. But I hope you will take time if you can to see the other aspects of life I might not cover here.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Texting: The Perfect Man Tool
I was dating a guy around my age about a year or so ago and my first clue that it wouldn't work out should have been his propensity for texting. That someone who is supposed to be mature finds texting preferable to talking was definitely unsettling. We were in a long distance relationship, but none the less talking on the phone would seem like the next best thing. Come to think of it, talking with him on the phone wasn't that much fun; mainly because his communication skills on an intimate level were, well lacking. He certianly wasn't lacking for intelligence. I knew he was actually very intelligent. We eventually broke up mainly because he couldn't be emotionally available; not even on a friend level.
Texting for someone who has serioius intimacy issues must be like a gift from the gods. And who is more prone to intimacy retardation than men? Not to say women don't text a lot as well. but I think women are more likely to include it in their communication rather than make it their primary source. Guys on the other hand love to make it a regular practice. It's great for guys. The don't have to worry about the tone or nuance of their communication without a voice to convey it. Also conversation can be crypitc, with short bursts, rather than something that has real continuity like a live conversation.
Now men can't even commit to conversing. Ahh progress. We have come such a long way; backwards. Not only do a lot of men have intimacy issues, now they can avoid any practice whatsoever at improving them. They can retreat even futher into a numb existance. Combined with all the other marvels of faux or non communication, like IPods, internet on their phones ect, a guy could walk around all day, even in public, and never have to have an actual, non-virtual communication. And they do that. I see them at the gym, walking down the street, and even in bars, buried in their phones and/or their ears plugged up as if they are too busy and preoccupied to connect to their surroundings. Now if a guy is at a bar or a night club and spends most of his time texting and checking messages what the hell ever did he leave home for?
I hate to be another kevetcher about how technology is destroying society, but everywhere I go now I am walking by people who are basically not there. And I'm not there, or rather I'm the only one who knows I'm there. Its like if a human screams in the street and everyone has IPods jammed in their ears, did the human actually make a sound? Or if your IPod is jammed in your ears while your texting, and a tree falls on your ass and breaks it, did it really happen? Just because you chose not to be present is the world any less real?
I have noticed in the last year more and more guys I "talk" to or date love to text. For me it's a red flag. Texting is fine for short necessary communications, or some fun flirting to break up the day. But texting and emailing are not a relationship. Nothing can replace the fine nuances of the human voice and all the range of feelings it can convey. And God knows today we need more that ever to practice communicating; before we all wind up in a fetal position with virtual vision glasses and an IPod for a brian.
Texting for someone who has serioius intimacy issues must be like a gift from the gods. And who is more prone to intimacy retardation than men? Not to say women don't text a lot as well. but I think women are more likely to include it in their communication rather than make it their primary source. Guys on the other hand love to make it a regular practice. It's great for guys. The don't have to worry about the tone or nuance of their communication without a voice to convey it. Also conversation can be crypitc, with short bursts, rather than something that has real continuity like a live conversation.
Now men can't even commit to conversing. Ahh progress. We have come such a long way; backwards. Not only do a lot of men have intimacy issues, now they can avoid any practice whatsoever at improving them. They can retreat even futher into a numb existance. Combined with all the other marvels of faux or non communication, like IPods, internet on their phones ect, a guy could walk around all day, even in public, and never have to have an actual, non-virtual communication. And they do that. I see them at the gym, walking down the street, and even in bars, buried in their phones and/or their ears plugged up as if they are too busy and preoccupied to connect to their surroundings. Now if a guy is at a bar or a night club and spends most of his time texting and checking messages what the hell ever did he leave home for?
I hate to be another kevetcher about how technology is destroying society, but everywhere I go now I am walking by people who are basically not there. And I'm not there, or rather I'm the only one who knows I'm there. Its like if a human screams in the street and everyone has IPods jammed in their ears, did the human actually make a sound? Or if your IPod is jammed in your ears while your texting, and a tree falls on your ass and breaks it, did it really happen? Just because you chose not to be present is the world any less real?
I have noticed in the last year more and more guys I "talk" to or date love to text. For me it's a red flag. Texting is fine for short necessary communications, or some fun flirting to break up the day. But texting and emailing are not a relationship. Nothing can replace the fine nuances of the human voice and all the range of feelings it can convey. And God knows today we need more that ever to practice communicating; before we all wind up in a fetal position with virtual vision glasses and an IPod for a brian.
Friday, January 21, 2011
So...
This conversation was just awesomely enlightening and inspiring. It really let me know how incredibly important it is still, and into the forseeable future, to get out there and address the blocks, barriers and difficulties we have in finding emotionally connected and fulfilling lives.
Our solutions go far beyond political. I am as happy as practically anyone that gays can finally serve in the military with the freedom and honor they deserve. And I, like a lot of others, feel that marrige is probably not far off either.
As to marrige, my feeling about it has been this; what we need is the law not the word. If gays wind up having their word (and eating too when they want a divorce) then that's fine. But a word is not a relationship and it should not own or be owned. What I am trying to say here is that even if every law we ever wanted changed was done so tomorrow that does not mean we actually know how to love ourselves and each other successfully; and we had better start talking about how THAT happens!
Our solutions go far beyond political. I am as happy as practically anyone that gays can finally serve in the military with the freedom and honor they deserve. And I, like a lot of others, feel that marrige is probably not far off either.
As to marrige, my feeling about it has been this; what we need is the law not the word. If gays wind up having their word (and eating too when they want a divorce) then that's fine. But a word is not a relationship and it should not own or be owned. What I am trying to say here is that even if every law we ever wanted changed was done so tomorrow that does not mean we actually know how to love ourselves and each other successfully; and we had better start talking about how THAT happens!
Just as relevant at any age...
I had a weekly column in the gay paper "insideout" when I lived in Nashville. Actually you can google my name, Terry Lee Derrick and pull up the article on my theory about PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) with gay men. I was wondering when I started this blog if the issues I talk about are relevant to young gay men. I know the issues are relevant with my age group give or take fifteen years.
So the other night I was at a bar in Dallas called The Grapevine. Grapevine is an interesting bar in that it is very eclectic and a completely mixed clientele of gay and straight and I presume all inbetween. There you will find educated, creative and interesting people hanging out, getting their party on and just exchanging ideas.
I was by myself so I sat down away from the small crowd there that night to observe and figure out what I wanted to do there. I spotted two attractive young guys that I figured were gay and having a conversation. One was blond the other brunette. As it turned out their difference in coloring turned out to be a metaphor for the difference in their experience which was just as day and night.
I went over to their table and interrupted by saying "Hey guys how's it going? I just wanted to come over and find out what you guys are talking about tonight." They were intrigued so I told them I'm a writer and would love to just find out a little about how they are experiencing their lives. They were very open and nice about it so we proceeded to talk.
The main thing I wanted to know was how they, at their age which was about twenty two or so, experienced coming out, being gay and having relationships. What I found out was amazing and so informative.
The blond said he came out early in junior high, dated openly and felt he was pretty well adjusted. The brunette said he waited until becoming an adult to come out and felt he would have had a lot fewer issues if he could have only come out early like his friend. So here were two young men with completely different experiences and the "late bloomer" wound up having much more in common with me, who is old enough to be his dad than he did with his contemporary.
I talked with them about how gay men more often that not, especially in the past, don't have the opportunities to grow and mature emotionally in childhood and adolescence that most heterosexual people take for granted. The average straight boy or girl is not impeded from dating, getting their little hearts broken and just generally growing up as it were. Gay kids more often than not do not get to have such a free and easy leeway to that experience and it leaves them with tons of issues.
So the other night I was at a bar in Dallas called The Grapevine. Grapevine is an interesting bar in that it is very eclectic and a completely mixed clientele of gay and straight and I presume all inbetween. There you will find educated, creative and interesting people hanging out, getting their party on and just exchanging ideas.
I was by myself so I sat down away from the small crowd there that night to observe and figure out what I wanted to do there. I spotted two attractive young guys that I figured were gay and having a conversation. One was blond the other brunette. As it turned out their difference in coloring turned out to be a metaphor for the difference in their experience which was just as day and night.
I went over to their table and interrupted by saying "Hey guys how's it going? I just wanted to come over and find out what you guys are talking about tonight." They were intrigued so I told them I'm a writer and would love to just find out a little about how they are experiencing their lives. They were very open and nice about it so we proceeded to talk.
The main thing I wanted to know was how they, at their age which was about twenty two or so, experienced coming out, being gay and having relationships. What I found out was amazing and so informative.
The blond said he came out early in junior high, dated openly and felt he was pretty well adjusted. The brunette said he waited until becoming an adult to come out and felt he would have had a lot fewer issues if he could have only come out early like his friend. So here were two young men with completely different experiences and the "late bloomer" wound up having much more in common with me, who is old enough to be his dad than he did with his contemporary.
I talked with them about how gay men more often that not, especially in the past, don't have the opportunities to grow and mature emotionally in childhood and adolescence that most heterosexual people take for granted. The average straight boy or girl is not impeded from dating, getting their little hearts broken and just generally growing up as it were. Gay kids more often than not do not get to have such a free and easy leeway to that experience and it leaves them with tons of issues.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Let's talk about how we live....
Let's go beyond the politics, us vs them, and take a look at us vs us, and overcoming the vs. Gay media for the most part, if not entirely, is focused on the politics of being gay, or the sex. There is a huge space that is being overlooked; innerspace. How we relate to others, relationships, and most importantly, where it all begins and ends, ultimately with ourselves. I want to create a forum for thought, ideas and points of view on how we have lived, can live and the things that stand in the way of love and connection.
I have spent my life overcoming psychological and emotional obstacles in the areas of understanding myself and relating to others. I hope to bring my experience and what I have learned; and hear from others about their ideas on how we live. More to come.
I have spent my life overcoming psychological and emotional obstacles in the areas of understanding myself and relating to others. I hope to bring my experience and what I have learned; and hear from others about their ideas on how we live. More to come.
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